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UNREFINED PALETTE AND UNCENSORED MOUTH

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Sour Patch Kid Chewing Gum

Write something. 

OK.

Is National Cheese Puff day a real thing?

Any ideas in general. 

Eating garlic makes my sweat stink. 

You have nothing.

And that sums up my writing life right about now. Down from 1,000 words a day to, like 1. 

I apologize for the absentee-ness of this blog lately. And by lately, I mean since I fell off the face of the earth and went to PA school. Which accounts for oh, I don't know, the past 27 months. Bazinga.

Before I was a PA, there was so much downtime. I could sit and eat for three hours (Thai-style) and observe so many things. I used to have those creative juices constantly flowing. I loved writing! Now I think I've transferred that innovative mania into (energetic) medical professionalism. My creativity got the full priapism treatment. Not up anymore, folks.  

So, to reawaken my shifted imagination, I decided to start writing shorter blogs more frequently. 
Gum

Nothing gets me going like a Sour Patch Kid. It's my top 5 candy, easy. And, lemme tell you, I think I am the only person who could eat an entire bowl of this tooth-eroding product as a meal replacement. IMPORTANT: I said this exact statement before Kyle XY ever decided it was his ideal (read: alien) breakfast cereal. So, to those producers, if you are going to rip off my ideas, you are going to have to be more subtle. I feel this is why your show got the shaft.

Anyways, whilst getting French Vanilla flavored coffee, Fiji Water, and Peach O's gummi rings at a Shell station yesterday, I noticed a bright yellow pack of gum waving at me. At first I thought it was a hallucination from my lack of sleep, but then I looked again. Yep, confirmed. A Sour Patch Kid was indeed waving. Oh. Em. Gee. That's right. Sour Patch Kids are now available as gum. I'm as shocked as you!

The little guy's box was nestled neatly under the Wrigley's Big Red and Doublemint. I picked it up immediately and made a point-of-register purchase. I asked the nondescript cashier when Sour Patch Kids started making gum but he didn't know. He eyeballed me weirdly as I took my receipt. “Usually the kids buy those peach candies.” the man declared, handing me my plastic sack of items. I smiled. “Kid at heart, sir. Have a good day!”  

It is unseasonably cold in Texas, so before I braved the pinprick hair inducing weather outside, I took a sip of my flavored coffee and leafed through my purse for my keys. I threw my plastic bag over my wrist and tugged my black Yale jacket tight. I scampered to my little civic like a tabby cat seeking warmth during a storm. When I got in my car, I placed my purse in the passenger seat and turned up the heat and music. I rifled through the plastic bag for the gum, as if I was looking for treasure in a sea of junk food.






Ok, the packaging of the gum is adorable. The Stride mnemonic S is scribbled in a sea of Chartreuse yellow while a trio of red Sour Patch Kids are playfully playing peek-a-boo around the iconic emblem. The top left-hand corner features the classic Sour Patch Kid stamp, I assume this has something to do with business rights or whatever. Obvi, it costs 1.49.

On the taste: When the gum touches your tongue, it's like an atomic Sour Patch Kid on caffeine. I kinda liked it. The second chew intensifies the tart of the berry. While the third bite triggers your amylase gates; this saliva balances off the tang. Subsequent chews turn the glycerin wedge slightly sweet but, quite frankly, hard to chew and disintegrate-y. And, like all gum, the stick becomes tasteless.

It's Gumby and his sidekick Pokey running from the Blockheads, and they all fall into a pool of sour Fun Dip. That's this commercial. Tagline: Sour then sweet then stiff.

Overall: Meh. I'll stick to the original Patch kids.

*At first, this review was just going to be a text message to my friends Rebecca and soon-to-be Dr. Deke. But since no one (besides them) will see that message, I decided to repurpose it into a review. Circle of writing life! Oh, and so I don't leave anything out from the message. I did, in fact, send them a picture of me pretending to be the pink power ranger. Not any of the new rangers. Those are dumb. Pink ranger circa 1990's. Sit. Down. Kimberly.







In other news, I'm totally obsessed with Rizzoli and Isles.

I might be enjoying Katy Perry's “Dark Horse” a little too much when I run. I'm Phoebe Buffay jogging around my neighborhood while breathlessly singing the chorus. THERE'S NO GOING BACK! 

1 comment:

  1. Love it! P.S. The Original Power Rangers theme song is my ringtone. LOL!

    ReplyDelete